Sunday, June 1, 2008

When the tears fall

I've had questions, without answers
I've known sorrow, i have known pain
but theres one thing, that i'll cling to
you are faithful, Jesus your true
when hope is lost, i'll call you saviour
when pain surrounds, i'll call you healer
when silence falls, you'll be the song within my heart
in the lone hour, of my sorrow
through the darkest night of my soul
you surround me, and sustain me
my defender, forever more
when hope is lost, i'll call you saviour
when pain surrounds, i'll call you healer
when silence falls, you'll be the song within my heart
I will praise you, i will praise you
when the tears fall, still i will sing to you
i will praise you, Jesus praise you
Through the suffereing still i will sing
-Tim Hughes "When the tears fall"

Monday, May 12, 2008

"No pain, No gain..."

I feel like my life is about to completely turn around; in a miraculous awesome way. My desire is to be completely consumed by Him, in every aspect of my life. I get distracted so easily, so my prayer is that my focus would stay on God; and distractions would not be an issue. I'm tired of having a bad attitude and i'm tired of bringing myself down. God has me where i'm at to be challenged, to grow, and to become stronger. He did not lead me into the fire to be burned but to be refined. Life gets difficult and its certainly not easy, but in those moments when you are about to collapse, a light shines through and brings you a ray of hope. I wont give up and i will push through until He says stop. My story is not over; its just beginning. Everyday is a new day to be the person you were meant to be. As they say it in the gym... "no pain, no gain".

I'm dying in order to live. See you on the other side.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Light at the end of the tunnel

Last night was refreshing; exactly what i needed. I've realized that all the things i've been stressing about are pointless and all they do is bring me down. The lies i've been letting discourage me are indeed lies and there's no need to fall flat on my face due to insignificant crap. The best i can do is live life; just press the play button and see where the road takes me. I recieved much peace last night; a calming in my soul. My biggest prayer is that i dont lose sight of what is most important.
"All i have is what God gives and thats all the life i was meant to live".

Monday, May 5, 2008

Going down a one-way street...the wrong way

"One of those days" seems to be turning into "one of those weeks"... I dont understand, i am stuck in a rut and i'm having trouble getting out. When i start to talk, negativity comes out; so i've been trying to keep quiet. I hate being negative, and i hate being selfish. I feel like i'm stuck in a box. Does anyone have a box cutter?!?

By the way, today is my 1 year anniversary of non-drunkeness. whoohoo!

Sunday, May 4, 2008

One of those days..

Have you ever had a smile glued to your face for so long that when it starts to slowly peal off you're not quite sure what to do? Do you glue it back on and continue your everyday life pretending to be something youre not, or do you peal the rest off and face reality?

I'm not extremely depressed, and many times my smile is a real one; but there's an ache deep down in my soul. I can't figure out what is causing it and why it just wont go away. Sometimes i feel like it is set on a timer. Every so often it gets turned on and getting out of bed is a struggle; i force myelf to make it through the day. I hurt somewhere in my heart, i long to be someone else, anyone but myself, and i'm not satisfied with the way things are going. However there are days when i am just so excited to wake up in the morning; i'm excited to see what the next turn has in store for me; and i couldnt ask for anything more.

I guess this is just a part of life, some days are good and others are not. So the real question is, How do i love myself and love my life on those bad days? How do i get out of bed and put a smile on my face without it being fake, when the smile is just no where to be found?

I get lonely often, i forget how to love myself, i spend so much time trying to help other people that i neglect me. And then when i actually focus on me i find a person who is broken to peices, crying out, wanting to be rescued.

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Be joyful always

Funny when life takes you on unexpected turns.
Its not easy to trust God in the midst of uncertainty.
Today was an interesting day.
questions flooded my mind, uncertainty filled my thoughts;
Its difficult when you're put on the spot, forced to make a decision;
with just a few choices and none sounding appealing.
I'm trying to make the best of this new unfamiliar situation.
It could possibly turn out to be a really good thing. Only time will tell.

"Be joyful always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances. For this is God's will for you in Chris Jesus" 1 thess. 5:17

Monday, April 28, 2008

And so it begins.

Its time to let go. I question my self-worth and dont understand why it is so difficult to see myself the way God sees me. God is good and God answers.
Its time to journey in a new direction.
As i cried out to God, "Father why? Why am i so insecure? Why do i lack confidence in myself? Why do i doubt your goodness when you have rescued me time and time again? " The answer is simple, My eyes are not fixed on Him and Him alone. As much as i have grown in my faith, i still lack a great amount. There are heavy rocks weighing me down, and it is time to unload my basket.

So this new direction begins with turning my ashes into beauty..
Fakeness into being real
inadequate into adequate
sadness into joy
judgement into loving others
jealousy into not being jealous
lonliness into friendship
sharp peircing words into silence
shyness into confidence
lack of self-worth into self-worth
numbness into emotion
seclusion into being open
my past into the present

"Falling backwards into my past does me no good, it prevents me from letting go of the person i used to be in all of my yesterdays. Jumping forward into the future does me no good, i was never promised tomorrow. Surviving my yesterdays was a miracle; Today is a gift from God; and thats all i have, and thats all i was meant to live..."

"So i fall into you, i'm desperate and weak, Crying out from my heart, take all of me"
-Phil Wickham.